Our never-ending search for closure

It is the 13th Dec, 2.45pm South Korea time.

My mind is racing, but yet still. I pace myself quickly across the corridors of the art department, calmly, yet fidgety. My flight leaves in 3 hours time.

I ask around for the watercolor room, and I finally got there. I step inside, slowly and quietly. And there she was. Sitting quietly amongst the painting crowd, silently, holding the camera picture in one hand, stroke by stroke, sometimes referring, she painted. I stood there watching. Time seemed to slow down. Her every stroke, facial expression, and wift of her hair, became so precious. Every memory of us floated in front of me again, for one last time. Tears fell uncontrollably. Tell me, what would u do, if the only way for you to love a person is to leave her?

And then she saw me, surprised, and a smile lit her face. That smile, always, warmed my heart. I’m brought back to the beginning, when I first saw her at the bus terminal station. Something wrenched at my heart, but I kept it in, smiled, and walked over to her. She could paint & draw so well, so vivid, surreal, an experience. She was as beautiful as her painting. Suddenly, nothing else seemed to matter. I just wanted to be with her. I don’t want this moment to ever end.

A friendship is not enjoyable unless we take up its expressive challenges. If a person surrounds himself with ‘friends’ who simply reaffirm his or her public persona, who never questions his or her dreams, desires, or potentials, who never force him or her to try out new ways of being, he or she misses out on the opportunities friendship presents. A true friend is someone we can occasionally be crazy with, someone who does not expect us to be always true to form, someone who pushes u to be more than you are and can be, someone who shares our goals of self-realization, and therefore is willing to share the risks that any increase in complexity entails. She is my best friend, my girlfriend, and in my eyes, already my lifelong partner.

But yet, with me around, she would never be the best she can be. What am I supposed to do, to put away all her fears, worries, and makes sure she stands up on her feet, and be the angel she can truly be. I wish she would just tell me she would be strong, and that no matter what happens in the future, she will fight it all away. I wish she would say, and then do all that was necessary, to tell me that yes, I’m here with you now. And from there then, we can take on the world.

From the moment I gave her the rose on the 22nd Oct, I told myself I would do all I can to make this girl happy. I may have faltered, but I always stood back up. And now, I’m standing up again, to let her go. I just want her to be happy. I still love her, I do.

Today, I understood why people say that true love means letting a person go if you have to.


About jnatomy

An anatomy of the soul, through the lenses of a camera.
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